I am writing this because it seems nobody else has. I am about to embark upon the most meaningful, challenging, and life-changing phase of my adulthood, and I need help. I need to know that other women have gone before me and been successful. I need to hear their advice, laugh at their anecdotes, and tearfully nod with recognition at their memories of frustration and loss.
Yet I cannot fully do this. Somehow, without really meaning to, I have stumbled onto the road not taken. In all of the millions upon millions of books about raising children, there are quite literally less than 10 written about foster care. There are even fewer books about single parent foster care.
Watching my friends enter and journey through motherhood has proven to me that is more than one way to raise a child. In fact, there are TOO MANY ways. Some of my girlfriends talk about information overload - not just from books and magazines, but from blogs and mommy groups and in-laws. To spank or not to spank? Co-sleeping? Feeding schedules? Developmental milestones? To Baby Einstein or not to Baby Einstein? And while we're on that topic, TV or no TV? (And if TV, how much, how often, and which shows?)
I can only imagine that somewhere in the world, or possibly in cyber-world, there is a group of sleep-deprived, bleary-eyed mommies asking themselves and one another, "WWJCD?" (What Would June Cleaver Do?)
But you see, I cannot even join one of these groups to find understanding and answers... Because even though there are countless unique experiences in motherhood, there are significant universal features that are shared by mommies everywhere. The permanence of the relationship, the intimate history of the child (beginning in the womb, for most moms), the trust that has been built over countless needs being met over and over and over... this context makes mothering an almost transcendent experience - impossible for a stranger to step into and immediately understand.
But here I am. Enter stranger.
I am about to become a foster mother, and I (one stranger) am about to raise and love and discipline and nurture another stranger's child. And what makes my situation even more unique is that I am not planning to do this indefinitely. They say, "Once a mom, always a mom" but this isn't quite the case for me. The goal of foster care is to eventually return the child to his/her birth parents, or to establish a permanent plan such as adoption (which I am not yet ready for).... so this little one (whose name, age, and sex are a mystery to me) will only be "sort of" mine. Don't get me wrong: in my eyes and arms, he/she will be completely my child, but the fact remains that someday he/she won't. In fact, depending on how long he/she lives with me and his/her age, it's entirely possibly that this child will not remember me - even though I will of course have his/her chubby-faced photo forever on my mantle and eternally on my heart.
So, that's why I am starting this blog. I went to the library last week after foster care class, and I searched for all the foster parent books I could find. The most relevant books I found were personal memoirs from former foster children. I checked some of those out. I think it's important to see it from the child's perspective -- but I suspect that these books will have horribly depressing stories and if anything, serve as a "what NOT to do" guide for foster parents.
Then, I went to the aisle about parenting the "difficult" child, but again, I realized that my challenge will be a very unique one. I will be attempting to discipline a child who has no reason at all to trust me (or anyone, for that matter). Corporal punishment is out. Even extended time-out is a no-no.... this child may have been locked in a closet in the home before mine. Additionally, my child may be going through the stages of grief and loss -- heck, wouldn't you?? This child has just lost everything he/she knows - not just parents. Pets, toys, siblings, neighbors, bed, clothes, peers, friends... all of that has been left behind as this child was plucked from his environment (quite possibly via police car) and delivered like a mishandled UPS package on my front steps. I think I can safely say that I know many, many mommies and most of their children did not enter their worlds this way.
Do you SEE why there needs to be more books about this stuff??
Finally, there is the single parent aspect of this. I am an elementary school teacher, 30 years old, recently moved to Kentucky from California, and extremely single. (Like, no prospects. Like, I have not even met a single man in my [ever-widening] age range since I got to the Bluegrass State where young adults seem to pair off like they are entering the Ark.) Never in my life did I expect to be a single parent. I come from 2 long lines of broken marriages, and I have always known that when I married, it would be forever. Little did I know that it would actually be forever until I got married. Oh well. I'm content, I know this is a special season (singleness), and I'm living my life full-steam ahead, man or no man.
Adoption and foster care have been on my heart for a long time, but it was always something I planned to do as part of a team. When my students ask me if I have kids, I always point to my naked ring finger and tell them (sort of self-righteously), "Nope, because I need to be married first."
So, now I guess I'm sort of scandalous. When I tell people I'm in the process of becoming a foster parent, I swear I can read a mixed judgement in their faces. Of course, we all know that anyone who wants to take on foster kids must be some kind of deluded saint, but to do it alone? Downright insanity. I have never been on the receiving end of this type of judgement. I imagine this is the type of reaction single women get when they announce their intentions to become artificially inseminated. (which of course I would never do. Scaaaaaaandalous!)
Hence, my dilemma. I am now living in the perfect storm of foster parenting, single parenting, and parenting the challenging child. And there is not a single darn book to guide me. Dr. Dobson, Dr. Spock, Supernanny -- did you forget about people like me? I can't be the ONLY one on planet earth who is taking this on, right? Right? (Cmon, some single foster mom out there, can I get an Amen??)
I'm an educated professional with healthy relationships, a well-stamped US passport, and my scuba diving certification. I suppose I do march to a different beat sometimes, but in Los Angeles, I was just one of many independent young women with the world as our freaking oyster. (What does that mean? Something profound, I'm sure.) Here in Fayette County, Kentucky, I may be the only single person my age, but I was surprised to learn that there are many, many single parent foster homes. There ARE other people doing this. (I did a Google search right before posting this and found some interesting stuff.)
Take Janelle, for example. I met her in college in California, and we've been friends for about 10 years. Last year, my 29 year old friend (single!) fostered a gorgeous, chubby, bubbly 6 month old African American boy. She mothered that sweet baby boy for several months before his aunt was given permanent custody. In my eyes, this woman is a pioneer. I constantly think about Janelle as I go through this process. There may be little to no How-To books to guide me in my specific circumstances, but at least there is Janelle. This can be done. I am not alone. I am not the first. There is something comforting about not being a trailblazer sometimes....
