3 years going on forever(!!)

Man, I am the most inconsistent blogger on the planet earth.

Several of the comments from previous posts have asked for an update. Here it is, Reader's Digest-style.

*My first placement, M & J, were placed with me in March 2011.

*Since then, I've had several other beautiful children come and go... plus, others who came to me just for respite...

*The social workers of this fine Commonwealth of KY picked a huge fight with me in January 2013. Big mistake for them. It was one of the hardest conflicts I've ever faced in my life. But I won. (God fought for me.)

*As of this month, I'm actually closing my home because.... I'm adopting little J!! In March, he'll have been with me for 3 years.... and he's not going anywhere! Our adoption will be finalized this spring sometime. His story, our story, is pretty interesting, and it definitely deserves to be told. Someday. 

*Yes, I'm still single. Never planned to adopt as a single woman, but here we are.... It's crazy, absolutely insane, and 100% God's idea.... therefore, it's the most beautiful gift I've ever been given...

Stay tuned because I am hoping to post something soon as a guest writer for SingleRoots.com  This is one of my favorite blogs these days... and I would love to be able to contribute something to it about this journey of orphan care in your own home, even as a single adult.... I just want to share this story, but my hope is that it will also motivate single men and woman to consider fostering even before marriage if it's something God has laid upon their hearts...

Peace out!! :):)

Gotta get this stuff published, yo!

Oh.My.Gosh.

I just logged into this dusty old blog, and I found several comments from women across the country who reached out to me from the same unique position of being single foster mommies. I am so touched.

I know how isolating it can feel when you look around the world and you feel like NOBODY else knows what it's like to be you... That's why I actually started this blog. I went to the library and realized there were NO books for or by or about single foster mommies.

So it's been **awesome** to see this blog work as even an itsy-bitsy magnet for other women like me! Like, sooooo cool. Seriously.

That's why I am convinced that I need to write. This story, OUR story, it needs to be told. Ladies, let's do this!

Day 1 - My First Placement

[I was recently thrilled to find this time capsule on my computer. I wrote this on March 10, 2011 - my first full night as a foster parent. M & J had been placed in my home shortly before midnight on March 9th.... and although M has moved on to live with another foster family, J is still with me 20 months later.... ]

I crept out of the bedroom, wiping tears from my eyes. I turned around to face the puzzle pieces, chicken nugget boxes, and random blankets that were strewn all over my floor. Even though 4 year old M  had actually persisted in picking up most of the wreckage, a lot still remained. Why had I not noticed that? Oh, wait. Maybe because it was 9:51, and I had envisioned an 8pm bedtime. I grabbed a bite of my now cold chicken wrap, realizing I hadn’t eaten in almost 10 hours and realizing also that this was probably one of many cold dinners ahead of me. I headed straight for the computer. I’m going to want to remember this first night, I thought.

It started less than 24 hours ago.

I laughed silently as I realized the earth hadn’t even completed a single rotation in the time since I had met these boys. Could it really be less than a day? This time last night, the children were probably already asleep at home with their mom, blissfully unaware that they would be rudely awakened in the middle of the night and stolen from their warm beds by well-meaning social workers and police officers while their mommy cried helplessly. They would say tearful goodbyes to her, clinging to her and her to them, until unemotional strangers wrenched them away.  The 8 siblings were separated into different cars to be driven to separate counties in the midnight rain and dropped off at unfamiliar doorsteps where anxious foster parents waited in their pajamas.  I wonder if it occurred (at least to the older children) that they would never return “home” again, never again live under the same roof with their brothers and sisters, nor never again be tucked into bed by the woman who had always been Mommy.

[That first day was a rollercoaster, to say the least. Someday, when I have more energy, I hope to commit the memory to writing before I forget it. But for now, I just want to capture The First Goodnight.]

I placed 18 month old J down in his pack-n-play. M was standing on his tiptoes, shining the nightlight into the crib. I quietly ushered him away, pulled down the covers, and put him into bed. I hugged him goodnight and kissed his forehead. I stood up and he silently opened his arms wide to me, so I bent down again and gave him a real hug. The kind of hug I imagine I would give my son. The kind of full frontal hug where my torso is nearly smothering his small body. I kissed his cheek, and he whispered pleadingly, “Will you lay with me?” As this was entirely impossible given the dimensions of a toddler bed, I sat down on the floor and rested my head by his feet and looked up at him. “For a little while.” He continued to play with the nightlight, but he nonchalantly moved his hand near mine. I touched his fingers and they gripped my hand, while M continued to talk to himself (making up a song?). There in the darkness, like the Grinch in his happy ending, I felt my heart grew two sizes. The hot tears dripped down my face, and I was thankful little M could not see them in the darkness. I imagined how scary it would be to be placed in a stranger’s home. … and he was showing me he trusted me.  And that is how Day 1 ended: with my hot tears, 2 sleepy yet safe boys, blue stars and a moon bouncing on the walls around us, and a million questions mounting in my heart.

Waiting....

I was finally approved last week! It's been a very thorough process... I felt like I was basically naked in front of the social workers while they poked and examined my finances, home, family history, medical records, personal references, social life, employment history...

But I'm in! I signed the contract on Monday, and from now on, I keep my phone VERY close.... It is INSANE to think that I could be typing this and *BOOM* - all of a sudden, I get a phone call, and before I finish this sentence, I'm somebody's mommy. (Or two somebody's mommy.... or however you would say that....)

I went out and bought non-perishable kid-friendly food. Not the healthiest stuff on the planet, but familiar stuff. Chicken nuggets, goldfish crackers, waffles.... I dedicated an entire kitchen drawer to just kid snacks and tied a pretty blue ribbon around the handle. (Foster kids sometimes come from homes where they were deprived of food due to neglect, abuse, or poverty... so they can be hoarders. I want the children in my home to know they won't have to worry about having enough to eat.)

I also created some sticker charts and behavior expectations. I'll post a picture soon. These will change based on the children's ages and behavior issues, but I want to have at least something ready for the moment they join my family. You might think I'm bossy, (and maybe I might be!), but from my experience, children in crisis crave clarity and consistency. That is what I want to set up from the start.... So I have 4 expectations for teh child. You'll see those on the pic that I hope to post soon. (I know none of this will unfold exactly this smoothly, but I'm giving it my best shot while I still have the time to think out and prep this stuff!) :)

I have all the school and daycare enrollment forms filled out with my info.... it's a funny thing to look at the line for "Child's Name" and wonder what it will be....

I have all the clinic, social workers, etc phone numbers posted and programed into my phone... as well as the driving directions to the clinic where the children will go within 48 hours for a physical.

Not just anybody can babysit a foster child. They need to be fingerprinted and submit to a background check first. My brave friends are going through that now in case I ever need to ask someone to watch a child or two for some reason.

I installed car seats and booster chairs. I installed the required safety latch on the drawer with the kitchen knives --- and uttered a string of curse words in the process. (That stuff is not meant to be put together by single parents!! You need like 5 hands!!)

And other than that.... there's not much else to do.

Just waiting..... and waiting..... and waiting......

Letter to Birth Parent

Dear Friend,
This is probably one of the most challenging periods of your life as a parent, and I won’t pretend to know exactly what it is like to have your child taken from your arms.

But here is what I do know. You love your child. No matter what mistakes you’ve made as a parent (and trust me, everyone makes mistakes), I know that you never intended this to happen. I believe you do want to be the parent your child deserves.

I began this letter by calling you “Friend” for a reason. I want you to know that I am not your enemy. I will never speak negatively of you to your child. I am not going to try to change who your child is or the dreams you have for him/her. I love your child, and he/she may grow to love me back, but I will never replace you. (The awesome thing about love is that there is no limit in how much you can give or receive.) Take comfort in the fact that your child is being loved and protected just the way you would want him/her to be. You don’t know me yet, but I hope that once you do, you will feel at peace knowing that you can trust me. I do not have birth children of my own (although I may someday in the future when I am married), but I have been a babysitter, nanny, auntie, and caregiver for children for many years. Parents trust me with their children, and you can, too. I am also currently an elementary school teacher in Lexington, and I have spent the last few summers volunteering in orphanages in different countries.

I know you may have heard stories or seen movies with horrible foster parents doing unimaginable things to children, and I promise you that nothing like that will EVER happen to your child under my watch. Those foster parents you hear about are not the norm. The foster parents I know are wonderful, loving people… just the kind of families you would want watching your kids while you’re gone.

I made 3 promises to your child. These same promises I make to you.
1. I promise to do everything in my power to protect your precious child.
2. I promise that I will never try to hurt him/her.
3. Finally, I promise to love your beautiful child unconditionally just as I would want someone else to love my own child unconditionally if I could not be there.

Finally, I just want to speak hope to you. There is nothing you have done that is beyond the grace of God. He can make all things new. He creates beauty from ashes! I have personally seen Him transform even the most hopeless, desperate situations into victories. God is always for the underdog. Turn to Him, show Him your heart, tell Him you are sorry for the ways you have failed to live up to the person you were created to be, and He will not fail to rescue you. These are not empty words I am writing to you. They are real; the God I know can be trusted. The changes you will have to make in your life in order to have your children returned to you are not easy. If you find that you are not be able to do them on your own, cry out to God wherever you are, do the most good you can, and trust Him for help. The context for a miracle is always sacrifice. If you give everything you have to Him, He will transform you. Again, this is not just fake Christian blah-blah-blah. God is real, God is love, and He desires nothing more than to have you know this.

I hope you are not offended by this. I almost deleted these last 2 paragraphs…. But I HAVE to write it. I am here to support you, and the best thing I can offer you – the only thing that really means anything - is to tell you that you have direct access to the Creator of the universe who loves you a million times more than you know.

Your friend,
Nova

Letter to Child

One of the assignments for my foster care class was to write a letter to the child who will someday be placed in my home. Here is what I finally submitted....

*********
Dear Little One,

You don’t know me yet, and I don’t know you, but I can promise that I already love you. I have been loving you for a long time! When I was washing and folding your clothes at my house, I was imagining you wearing them. When I put together your bed in your bedroom, I was envisioning you sleeping there, dreaming sweet dreams, snuggling with a teddy bear. While I was writing this letter to you, it was snowing, and I was imagining you playing outside, making snowballs, and creating a snowman.

I know that you are probably afraid right now. I am very sorry that you have to leave your family for a little bit. I know that your family loves you, and they are missing you right now. (It’s okay to feel a little sad or mad about that.) Even though your mom or dad can’t take care of you right now the way that you should be cared for, they want you to be safe and happy. So while everyone who loves you works very hard to make sure you have a family and a home where you are safe, loved, and happy, you are going to come and live with me.

My name is Nova, and you can call me whatever feels best to you. You can call me Miss Nova, or Mommy Nova, or you can call me what my cute little nephews call me in California: “Auntie Nova.” I will be the one who takes care of you. I am a teacher at an elementary school. I teach 4th grade now. I am not married, but I hope that someday I will be! I moved to Kentucky from California in Aug. 2010. Like you, I don’t live with my mom and dad at the moment, and I do miss them, but I also have my Kentucky family and friends that sort of adopted me once I moved here.

A family is an interesting thing. Some people think that a family is a mom, dad, and kids, and while that is one kind of family, it’s definitely not the only kind of family. A family is a group (small or large) of people who love each other and care for one another. So you and I are going to be a family. You will of course keep your other family, but now your family will be bigger because you have even more people to love you.

I want to promise you some things. I am not a perfect person, but I am a trustworthy person. Other children who know me will tell you that I am a good person. So here are my promises to you.

1. I promise to do everything I can to keep you safe. I might need to make some rules that you don’t like, but only because sometimes we need rules to keep us and others safe.

2. I promise I will never try to hurt you. I am on your side. You will not need to be afraid.

3. I promise that I will never stop loving you. There is nothing you can do that will make me stop loving you… and even when you leave my home for your permanent family, I will still always love you and think about you.

Waiting for you….
Love, Nova

Introduction

I am writing this because it seems nobody else has. I am about to embark upon the most meaningful, challenging, and life-changing phase of my adulthood, and I need help. I need to know that other women have gone before me and been successful. I need to hear their advice, laugh at their anecdotes, and tearfully nod with recognition at their memories of frustration and loss.

Yet I cannot fully do this. Somehow, without really meaning to, I have stumbled onto the road not taken. In all of the millions upon millions of books about raising children, there are quite literally less than 10 written about foster care. There are even fewer books about single parent foster care.

Watching my friends enter and journey through motherhood has proven to me that is more than one way to raise a child. In fact, there are TOO MANY ways. Some of my girlfriends talk about information overload - not just from books and magazines, but from blogs and mommy groups and in-laws. To spank or not to spank? Co-sleeping? Feeding schedules? Developmental milestones? To Baby Einstein or not to Baby Einstein? And while we're on that topic, TV or no TV? (And if TV, how much, how often, and which shows?)

I can only imagine that somewhere in the world, or possibly in cyber-world, there is a group of sleep-deprived, bleary-eyed mommies asking themselves and one another, "WWJCD?" (What Would June Cleaver Do?)

But you see, I cannot even join one of these groups to find understanding and answers... Because even though there are countless unique experiences in motherhood, there are significant universal features that are shared by mommies everywhere. The permanence of the relationship, the intimate history of the child (beginning in the womb, for most moms), the trust that has been built over countless needs being met over and over and over... this context makes mothering an almost transcendent experience - impossible for a stranger to step into and immediately understand.

But here I am. Enter stranger.

I am about to become a foster mother, and I (one stranger) am about to raise and love and discipline and nurture another stranger's child. And what makes my situation even more unique is that I am not planning to do this indefinitely. They say, "Once a mom, always a mom" but this isn't quite the case for me. The goal of foster care is to eventually return the child to his/her birth parents, or to establish a permanent plan such as adoption (which I am not yet ready for).... so this little one (whose name, age, and sex are a mystery to me) will only be "sort of" mine. Don't get me wrong: in my eyes and arms, he/she will be completely my child, but the fact remains that someday he/she won't. In fact, depending on how long he/she lives with me and his/her age, it's entirely possibly that this child will not remember me - even though I will of course have his/her chubby-faced photo forever on my mantle and eternally on my heart.

So, that's why I am starting this blog. I went to the library last week after foster care class, and I searched for all the foster parent books I could find. The most relevant books I found were personal memoirs from former foster children. I checked some of those out. I think it's important to see it from the child's perspective -- but I suspect that these books will have horribly depressing stories and if anything, serve as a "what NOT to do" guide for foster parents.

Then, I went to the aisle about parenting the "difficult" child, but again, I realized that my challenge will be a very unique one. I will be attempting to discipline a child who has no reason at all to trust me (or anyone, for that matter). Corporal punishment is out. Even extended time-out is a no-no.... this child may have been locked in a closet in the home before mine. Additionally, my child may be going through the stages of grief and loss -- heck, wouldn't you?? This child has just lost everything he/she knows - not just parents. Pets, toys, siblings, neighbors, bed, clothes, peers, friends... all of that has been left behind as this child was plucked from his environment (quite possibly via police car) and delivered like a mishandled UPS package on my front steps. I think I can safely say that I know many, many mommies and most of their children did not enter their worlds this way.

Do you SEE why there needs to be more books about this stuff??

Finally, there is the single parent aspect of this. I am an elementary school teacher, 30 years old, recently moved to Kentucky from California, and extremely single. (Like, no prospects. Like, I have not even met a single man in my [ever-widening] age range since I got to the Bluegrass State where young adults seem to pair off like they are entering the Ark.) Never in my life did I expect to be a single parent. I come from 2 long lines of broken marriages, and I have always known that when I married, it would be forever. Little did I know that it would actually be forever until I got married. Oh well. I'm content, I know this is a special season (singleness), and I'm living my life full-steam ahead, man or no man.

Adoption and foster care have been on my heart for a long time, but it was always something I planned to do as part of a team. When my students ask me if I have kids, I always point to my naked ring finger and tell them (sort of self-righteously), "Nope, because I need to be married first."

So, now I guess I'm sort of scandalous. When I tell people I'm in the process of becoming a foster parent, I swear I can read a mixed judgement in their faces. Of course, we all know that anyone who wants to take on foster kids must be some kind of deluded saint, but to do it alone? Downright insanity. I have never been on the receiving end of this type of judgement. I imagine this is the type of reaction single women get when they announce their intentions to become artificially inseminated. (which of course I would never do. Scaaaaaaandalous!)

Hence, my dilemma. I am now living in the perfect storm of foster parenting, single parenting, and parenting the challenging child. And there is not a single darn book to guide me. Dr. Dobson, Dr. Spock, Supernanny -- did you forget about people like me? I can't be the ONLY one on planet earth who is taking this on, right? Right? (Cmon, some single foster mom out there, can I get an Amen??)

I'm an educated professional with healthy relationships, a well-stamped US passport, and my scuba diving certification. I suppose I do march to a different beat sometimes, but in Los Angeles, I was just one of many independent young women with the world as our freaking oyster. (What does that mean? Something profound, I'm sure.) Here in Fayette County, Kentucky, I may be the only single person my age, but I was surprised to learn that there are many, many single parent foster homes. There ARE other people doing this. (I did a Google search right before posting this and found some interesting stuff.)

Take Janelle, for example. I met her in college in California, and we've been friends for about 10 years. Last year, my 29 year old friend (single!) fostered a gorgeous, chubby, bubbly 6 month old African American boy. She mothered that sweet baby boy for several months before his aunt was given permanent custody. In my eyes, this woman is a pioneer. I constantly think about Janelle as I go through this process. There may be little to no How-To books to guide me in my specific circumstances, but at least there is Janelle. This can be done. I am not alone. I am not the first. There is something comforting about not being a trailblazer sometimes....